Episode 14: Regulated, Not Perfect: Co-Regulating Through Toddler Meltdowns With Rachel Whytcross
Rachel Whytcross | Shine Om | Parenting Coach and Sibling Transition Specialist
Rachel Whytcross is the founder of Shine Om and works as a sibling transition specialist, supporting families through what she calls one of the most significant and most under-served seasons in family life: the arrival of an additional baby. A former primary school teacher of over a decade, and also a yoga teacher and mindfulness coach, Rachel built her signature program, the Joyful Parenting Project, after living through the transition herself as a mother of two girls 21 months apart.
Rachel's name came up through a number of previous guests on the podcast, a small reminder of how connected Canberra's birth and parenting community is. Her daughters' age gap is almost identical to my own two, which made this one of the more personally resonant conversations recorded so far.
In this conversation we cover what's actually happening in your nervous system, and your child's, day to day, what co-regulation means in plain terms, and why regulating yourself comes before you can help your child regulate. We also get into the window of tolerance, how to hold a boundary without breaking connection, and why getting partners genuinely involved changes the whole family's dynamic, not just the load.
SHOW NOTES
Rach's own journey with a 21-month age gap between her two girls, and how it led her to found Shine Om [03:14]
What the nervous system is, and why kids can't self-regulate until the prefrontal cortex matures around 25 [07:38]
Co-regulation explained, and why your own regulation comes first [07:38]
Real-life toddler negotiation, and the "thousand hours" reframe [12:14]
The window of tolerance: above it (reactive), below it (shutdown/doom-scrolling), and why "regulated enough" beats "calm mum" [16:26]
Practical ways to up- and down-regulate, and working as a team with your partner [21:29]
Setting boundaries from love, not approval, and why pushback means the boundary is landing [30:12]
The balloon example: when it's okay to change your mind on a boundary [36:31]
Why the pre-dinner "witching hour" is peak connection time [40:20]
Repair after losing it, the apology rules that never change, and aiming for "good enough" [45:56]
Where to find Rach, and her upcoming 21 Days of Joyful Parenting Challenge [55:56]
CONNECT WITH ANNE
Shine Om — sibling transition support and the Joyful Parenting Project
Website: www.shineom.com.au
MENTIONED IN EPISODE
Prefrontal cortex: the part of the brain managing big emotions and rational thought, not fully developed until around age 25
Co-regulation: when one nervous system helps another return to calm
Window of tolerance: the zone in which a person can manage stress without becoming overwhelmed
Joyful Parenting Project: Rachel's signature program, run through Telegram and Zoom, working with both parents together
21 Days of Joyful Parenting Challenge: Rachel's program launching late November 2026
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