Episode 12: The Many Different Paths to Motherhood: Fertility, Donor Conception, Surrogacy and Loss with Narelle Dickinson
Narelle Dickinson | Clinic Director, Lotus Health & Psychology Brisbane, Clinical & Health Psychologist, Reproductive Counsellor
Narelle Dickinson has worked in the fertility, pregnancy and postpartum space for 25 years. She began her career in an obstetric hospital unit after an early plan to become a forensic psychologist didn't pan out, and quickly found her calling working with women. Over time her practice broadened into donor conception and surrogacy counselling, and obstetric loss and birth trauma. She now supports people across the full spectrum of family creation, from those navigating anxiety and depression in pregnancy and postpartum, to those building families through donor conception and surrogacy, to those processing miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, late-term loss and stillbirth.
In this conversation we explore what happens emotionally and psychologically when the path to parenthood doesn't go as expected: the “identity shock” of infertility, the concept of matrescence, and the fears people carry around donor conception, particularly whether they'll love a genetically unrelated child as much as a biological one. Narelle speaks candidly about obstetric loss, the difficulty of claiming the identity of “mother” after a baby has died.
We also get into what really defines a parent and a family, surrogacy in Australia — the psychological work of becoming a parent without carrying the pregnancy, and the legal requirements involved — and close on the systemic issues Narelle sees every day: the social invisibility of childless women, the cost barriers to fertility treatment, and the broader pattern of women having to fight to be heard in medical settings.
SHOW NOTES
02:31 - Narelle's path from forensic psychology to fertility counselling
03:56 - What Narelle's practice covers, including obstetric loss
05:28 - The emotional challenges of trying to conceive across different family types
06:38 - Identity shock, shame, and matrescence interrupted by infertility
09:43 - Supporting women through the grief of fertility struggles
11:56 - Donor conception and the fear of not loving a non-genetic child
13:59 - Parris's own experience of loving a second child equally
15:08 - Surrogacy, adoption, and love without genetic or gestational ties
16:02 - The hidden anxieties of pregnancy after infertility
18:28 - Stillbirth, "four kids, three earthside," and claiming the word "mother"
19:51 - Supporting women without a living child, and the losses that keep arriving over a lifetime
23:29 - Why this grief takes years, not weeks
24:34 - Cultural myths and misconceptions around fertility
27:18 - Rethinking what makes a parent beyond biology
29:29 - Chosen family, queer community, and cultural bias in family-building
31:47 - The extra labour same-sex parents carry
33:24 - The psychological process of becoming a parent through surrogacy
35:16 - Pre-surrogacy counselling and Australia's patchwork surrogacy laws
37:54 - Surrogacy forums and the legal risks of informal arrangements
39:53 - Systemic issues: cost, misogyny, and the pressure to keep trying
45:47 - Narelle's new resource library and closing thoughts
CONNECT WITH KELLIE
MENTIONED IN EPISODE
Matrescence: The psychological transition into motherhood — likened to adolescence — marking a profound shift in identity.
Obstetric loss: An umbrella term Narelle uses for miscarriage, unsuccessful embryo transfers, termination for medical reasons, late-term loss and stillbirth.
Identity shock: Narelle's term for the disorientation people feel when the timeline and story they expected for becoming a parent doesn't unfold as planned.
Donor conception counselling: Support for people building families using donor eggs, sperm or embryos, addressing fears about genetic connection and belonging.
Pre-surrogacy counselling: A legally required process in every Australian state and territory involving intending parents, the surrogate and their partner, before a surrogacy arrangement can proceed.
Altruistic surrogacy: Australia's surrogacy model, in which surrogates can be reimbursed for expenses but cannot be paid — unlike commercial arrangements overseas.
Kinship adoption: Informal, culturally embedded family and child-rearing arrangements common outside white Western culture, contrasted with the narrower Western model of family.
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